Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?