Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

😂💯

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.