Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

😭😭😭😭

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Just a phase…

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater