Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

Become a minion. Get that bread.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*