Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

I beg you to euthanise me

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?