Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

multitasking lunch

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

I am patiently waiting for your email

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

This tweet has been deleted

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I love the National Park Service.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.