In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me