[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
That’s no pocket rocket.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Hot Hot Hot
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.