@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

You Might Also Like

@ddsmidt

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

@LethargicLife

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

@yenniwhite

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@Swishergirl24

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

@Momtoteens

Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.

@carlyken

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me