*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
You Might Also Like
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
i- i did not expect this
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”