Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Breaking news:

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FXwdc4WagAEfr2F.mp4

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Our lord and savoury.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.