Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.