pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.