Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?