*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
