[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp