Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.