*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
You Might Also Like
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
No flush
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.