Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*