Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.