Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

I did not eat the cake…

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds