Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Botany good plants lately?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato