*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You Might Also Like
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
our love story in four pictures
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this