*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Look Ma, no handle on things
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.