Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.