Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.