[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet


Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer


[portal opens]


gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary


I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.


If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.


My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.


Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.