[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
multitasking lunch
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread