[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.