Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

started wrapping my pills in cheese

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

🐴

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

I only treason on days ending in y

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.