[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.