@WestofCrazy

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

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@AaronFullerton

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@trojansauce

[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh

@TheAlexNevil

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

@Sarcasticsapien

If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.