Answers phone, makes modem noises…

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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.


JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that


[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh


Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.


If you’re going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They’re never gonna see it online.