Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.