Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Winnipeg!!

I remember when yoga was called Twister.