Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*