Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.