Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Bless you

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.