[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
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Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir