[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You Might Also Like
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
A classic…
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.