Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis