Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know