Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

me: my friends:

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.