Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

orange cat behavior

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.