ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.