[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
ready to be harvested
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
