[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
thoughts?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
