[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
