[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Spell check is for lasers.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
#TopTip
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
SQUARREL
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.