[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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