[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”