[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.