[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You Might Also Like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist