Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*