Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd