I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You Might Also Like
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?
cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.