Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I think we should hear other voices.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
There’s never enough good news
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.