Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Every house has this drawer
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Is….Is this an option?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.