Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids