Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My first child will be named New Folder.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Somedays I just love AI so much
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?