Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

fair

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

🤣😂🤣😂

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?