Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
You Might Also Like
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
