Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

Velcrow

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.