Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Zack Greinke stories are the best
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]