Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Mission: Impossible

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]