Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Too easy.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now