Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!