Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

Children of the corn 🌽

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.