Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

he’ll never suspect a thing

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”