anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*