Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
thats my bad
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?