Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it