[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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Happy Friday
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):