Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more