Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

this is the news I live for

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.