Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

same energy

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.