[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no