Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I’m crying im so happy for them

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?