Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.