Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.