Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

🥴

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.