Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

A leaf blower, but for people.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids