Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
🤣😂🤣😂
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.