Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you