ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can